Crime and Punishment--How do you feel about spanking? (Questions at the end)

I realize that corporal punishment, (i.e. spanking, popping, hitting, whooping, etc.) can be quite a controversial topic, indeed.  Every parent has their own method of discipline when it comes to their child, and in most cases, a parent's method of disciplining their child is based, in large part, to how they themselves were disciplined while growing up....not to mention the differences in discipline we see based on culture, race, ethnicity, environment, social status, income, education level, etc..


We also know that there are differences in how a child is disciplined, based on whether that child resides in a two-parent or single-parent home, or being raised by someone other than the biological parent.  There is also the issue of appropriate discipline in mixed family homes, where there may be a step-father/mother (or boyfriend/girlfriend) in the home with the child...which can sometimes result in disagreements between the biological and non-biological parent, as they may have different philosophies of how to discipline a child.  Complicating the matter still, in many two-parent homes, one parent may willingly or unwillingly bear the responsibility for all child discipline within the home.


With the understanding of the different variables involved with child discipline, my goal here, is not to tell others how to best discipline their child.  As a parent or guardian, you, obviously have to make the decision that is best for you and your family, based on all of the factors involved, that are specific to your family's situation.  However, it is beneficial for any parent or guardian, to put their discipline methods into proper perspective, when considering whether those methods are helpful or harmful to the child in the short or long-run.  

As a dad, on my journey to being the best dad I can be, I've also found it helpful to use those different perspectives, when considering my own upbringing as it relates to my  discipline and punishment as a child, and ask myself questions about how my upbringing affected the way I deal with my own child.  I personally, have learned a great deal from the flashbacks...eh, hem...I mean...from reflecting on the discipline I received from my parents, when I was younger.  As a parent, I find it critical to take an open-minded approach, to the reflection of your own childhood, and consider if and how it has molded you and your parenting methods today.  When you ask yourself some straight-forward questions, you may come up with some interesting answers...which may lead to some conclusions about yourself, in which you were previously unaware.


As someone who has lived in a two-parent home.... a single parent home (after my parents divorced)....and then having a step-father (after my mom remarried), I (like many others who grew up in a myriad of environments) had my own perspectives on what child-rearing and discipline entailed.  Growing up, regardless of the scenario in which I found myself, my mother was always the primary disciplinarian in our home. And when I say "primary disciplinarian", what I should say, is that my mother was judge, jury and  executioner of a backside (or any other side within reach), when it came to disciplining my brother and I.  Basically, mama didn't take no mess.  I'm sure many of you can relate the type of discipline I am alluding to, without me going into too many details (more flashbacks), but our upbringing was common to what you would see growing up in the South, especially in an African-American home.  

Growing up, I don't recall ever "talking back" to my mother...and if I did...I'm sure there is a reason why that particular memory is wiped away...as my mother was not shy about assisting in wiping those memories away with whatever was handy (belt, hanger, cord, etc.).  My brother and I, were quite well-behaved (really...considering what a lot of the other kids got away with)...as there was no other option available.  We dared not "act up" in school, or in church, or anywhere else...at least not to the degree that our mother would be made aware...because once she was aware of any behavioral issue on our part...that was your a**.  If I or my brother did get into trouble, there was no such thing as mama sitting either one of us down and giving us a "strong talking to", and only that.  There was no such thing in our home as "counseling-only". Any "counseling" was intermittently wrapped inside of the corporal "session" you were receiving at the time, and was more direction than counseling.  All questions asked by mama, during these "sessions", were of course, rhetorical....but you had better answer them!  It seemed to add a bit of a psychological twist to the punishment.  I wouldn't go as far as calling them trick questions...but they certainly weren't easy for a child to answer.  Questions like, "why did you get a 'C' on your conduct grade?!", didn't lend itself to an answer that wouldn't make mom angrier than she already was.  However, we did learn that..."I don't know" was an absolutely unacceptable answer, that would intensify your punishment exponentially.


Looking back on it, I cannot be more appreciative of how my mother raised us, especially after what she had previously gone through for nine years with of an abusive marriage, and as a single-parent having to raise twin boys in a new city...essentially having to start her life all over at the age of 29.  She would always tell us, "I need you to do as I say the very first time I tell you...you could be in danger and don't realize it...but I see it."  I owe a tremendous amount of gratitude, to the upbringing we received from our mother, as my brother and I turned out pretty well.


However, (and if you know me...you know there is always a "however" in just about everything) now, as a parent myself, reflecting on how I was disciplined as a child, I cannot help but to look at some things that happened in my upbringing, as examples of what I would not do with my own son, but not only because the circumstances in which he is being raised, are so much different from my own upbringing.  There are some things I won't do, simply because I know the negative affects....personally....and there are many cycles I needed to break when I became a parent.  

We incorporate some particular methods of how we were disciplined, in how we discipline our own children,...while other methods, we choose to discard, as we learned that some of those methods, did more harm than good in the long run.  It isn't about blaming anyone, as our parents, in most cases, were just trying to do what they thought was right, as we all are now, and they only knew how to deal with situations requiring disciplining of a child, based on their own experiences growing up.


But, I think that's precisely where we should focus, and ask ourselves a some questions.

If it was "good enough" for me growing up, does that automatically mean that it is appropriate for my child?  

If my child is having discipline problems (at home, school, etc.), do I understand the source of those issues?  


If you use corporal punishment to discipline your child, do they fully understand WHY they are being punished?  Did you understand why, as a child?


As a parent, what negative behavior from your child,  is "worthy of a whupping"?  Is it virtually the same behavior as when you were a child?  How do you deal with those situations differently, now?  Why?


If you've received corporal punishment as a child, do you feel that it made you a better person?  A better parent?  

Is it possible to have a disciplined child without spanking them?


If you have ever struck your child while disciplining them...was the force in which you struck them, based on your level of anger at the time?

Do you feel that excessive corporal punishment can lead to aggressive behavior in a child, later in life? What exactly is "excessive" in your opinion?


Looking back, have you ever used corporal punishment, when other forms of punishment would have yielded the same or better results?  Why did you resort to spanking?


I would love to get your take on some of these questions....please feel free to comment below.  Thanks.


Dame

Daddy Tip: Maintain a calm, reassuring energy with your child in tense situations. They are watching, and they remember.

As a young child, I remember being deathly afraid of dogs.  When I was 5 years old, I was chased by a rather large dog while playing outside in the yard, back in Prichard, Alabama.  Another older boy (around 10 or 11) was walking down the street with a dog (without a leash), and as he and the dog were crossing in front of our yard, I saw the dog look at me.  With a heightened degree of internal fear, instinct took over and I began to run...to the back yard... and of course, the dog took off after me.  I don't recall looking back to see, but somehow I knew it was chasing me.  I ran as fast as my little legs could carry me...toward the back yard...screaming.  I had a pretty hefty head start, and was quite the fast runner back then, but as I reached the back of the house, on my way around the other side, I could hear the dog gaining on me quickly.  


Of all the most frightening experiences in my life, I would put this one in the top five.  I still remember the fear, as if though it happened yesterday.  Still running and screaming, I managed to make it to the other side of the house toward the front porch...the dog at my heels now.  But right then, as I ran past the porch, here comes my father outside of the house (obviously hearing my screams) with a his rifle.   With not a single word, my dad, pointed the rifle at the dog, and the dog immediately broke off his pursuit of me and it took off in total fear down the street.  Crisis averted.  Of course, the boy that was with the dog was nowhere to be seen.  Probably wasn't his dog anyway...as there were a ton of stray dogs in Prichard back in those days.


In a matter of seconds, an intense feeling of fear and terror, transitioned to a absolute sense of security and safety.  It was a feeling like no other...that your dad would be there to protect you when you were afraid, or in trouble.  I was never more happy to see him, and looking back, I'm glad he didn't shoot the dog, who was probably just playing a game a chase, after I ran, and had no intention of biting me.  But, I also think that particular incident instilled within me, a strong fear of dogs that lasted well into adulthood.  I think I began to associate dogs with being chased and bitten, and if my father wasn't around, then I would have most certainly been attacked and eaten by a vicious canine (the mind of a child is highly imaginative).  


My parents divorced when my brother and I were 9 years-old, and we moved to Birmingham with our mother.  My father was no longer around all the time, so my ability to feel protected from "vicious dogs" while walking home from school was non-existent.  I think this only heightened my fear of dogs, as now my brother  and I, were left without our fatherly "safety net" so to speak.  Our daily walk home from school was wrought with terror and paranoia, as the neighborhood in which we lived was full of stray dogs.  It mattered not, at least to us, whether those dogs were dangerous or not.... in our minds they were dangerous BECAUSE they were dogs, and all dogs wanted to bite you!  I have to tell you, I don't have a lot of good memories about walking home from school back in those days, especially not after the kind of days I would have at school (I talk a little about that here), but at least my brother and I had each other.


Upon adulthood, WELL into adulthood (late 20s), I began to realize that my fear of canines was largely unwarranted and unhealthy.  I no longer feared them like I did when I was a kid, but I still wasn't very comfortable around them (not even 100% to this day).  Of course, dogs sense that...and you know..that they know...that you know you're really uncomfortable around them (at least larger ones) deep down inside, but are playing it off.  Dammit...busted!


Although I very much appreciate what my father did for me way back then when I was seven, I knew I had to approach this situation in a different way as it related to my son.  I HATED being afraid...its such a terrible, uncomfortable feeling, and I didn't want my son to go through that.  I didn't want to instill within him, that dogs in general were dangerous and to be feared, as I knew such a fear would stay with him probably as long as it did with me.  I knew that there would be a situation that arose, in which I would have to be an example, a different example, of how to face these potentially fearful situations.  And such a situation arose recently.


I was outside playing with my son in the park, we were the only one's there, and this young man about 11 or 12 years old, came over with two dogs without leashes.  They were running around the park (one larger dog, one little pooch), and the young man was calling them (unsuccessfully) to come back to him.  The larger dog saw us, and began to approach with a growl.  I don't like growls from dogs or anything else...one bit!  But I knew there was a lesson to be taught here, and I needed to set an example for my son.  So I remained calm, and in a calm voice, asked the young man, "Is this your dog...why isn't he on a leash?"  "I don't have one", he replied.  The dog, seemed to turn his attention away from me and began looking at my son, who was next to me, and growled again and started to approach (VERY DANGEROUS....for the dog).  Remaining calm, but in a stern voice, I said "back up!" to the dog, and it began to retreat...but kept circling us as the young owner kept calling it over to come to him, in futility. 


I knew my energy had to remain calm as long as possible.  If I picked my son up, started yelling and shouting, yes, my son would feel his dad was there to protect him, but it would have also heightened the situation as it was happening, and in my son's mind...identifying this dog...and probably all others from here on out, as something to be feared.  My son looked at me, almost like he was looking for me to let him know HOW he should be feeling right now.  Our eyes met, and in those few seconds, he saw my calmness...he did not see fear.  In his face, I saw the same calmness, the same relaxed energy.  We just both stood hand in hand, and I said, "That little doggie is just silly...come on, let's play, Daniel", and we resumed playing with his truck, as if the dog wasn't there (but you know I was still watching it)


As my son continued to play, I looked at the young man and told him that if he loves and values his dogs' lives, he should have a leash for them, especially in a public place like this, as it is the law.  He eventually got control of his dogs, and what was a "crisis averted" when I was a kid, never had to become one in the first place in that park.   I was glad that I was able to maintain and transmit a calm, reassuring energy to my son, who would have definitely picked up on any demeanor I displayed.  And it would have stuck with him.


I was also glad that my son didn't have to see me pull out my .40 caliber Glock (which his daddy keeps handy at ALL TIMES)...if that growling dog had come ANY closer...like my father pulled out his rifle while I was being chased around my house, thirty years ago. 


Daddy Tip:  Speak softly, and carry a big stick.  Especially when you are with your child.  Maintain a calm and reassuring energy, even in the most tense of situations, and it will follow them throughout their lives.  They are always watching, and they always remember.  Keep Daddying!


(BTW, I respect all animals...and in no way condone unnecessary violence toward them....but in this situation...I WOULD NOT HAVE HESITATED to protect my child....so for the love of your dog...keep them whole and in one piece by keeping them on a leash in public areas.) :-)

A poem for Daniel: I stand, watching over you

I stand, watching over you
In a dim lit room, the silence, the stillness
As you sleep, my thoughts move through the space between us
Softly, sweetly they approach the doorway 
Seeds in one hand, tightly grasped
The other hand empty, yet ready
With warm palm lines crossing and stretching from however, to whenever, to wherever
Opening the door, seeing a boundless world of anything
Time standing still, as still as I stand, watching over you


Seeking to plant all that I have
Seeds in hand, not all my own
Some seeds from there, some from back then
Others from yet to be, but all from up there
Sifted through wisdom, these few remain, yet plenty
Each chosen with a purpose clear, to take root in this place, unbound
Nourished with the soil of peaceful slumber
Watered by the rain that falls
As I stand watching over you


I plant each seed with steadfast care
The soft ground opening, eagerly reaching from my hand
It grasps quickly as I plant, my pace hastens to match
My other hand free, palm held patiently upwards, ready 
Only begun, yet already growing beyond imagination
Each seed, with a purpose, a boundless garden
For you who sleeps so silently, and makes the rain fall
A garden to supply your journey to where your heart leads 
Safe from a world that would seek to trample, what was so carefully planted
With seeds from struggle, seeds of hope, seeds for your dreams
The greatest gift I can give, as I stand watching over you


A garden of anything, of everything you want to be
With colors unseen, sounds unheard, tasting life abundant
For you, to live and go wherever you want, it is my deepest prayer
But if you lose your way, and you slip and fall from your garden
Take my other hand, I kept it free and ready, palms upward 
To catch you, to guide you back to your dreams
Whenever, however, wherever you find yourself, my son
We will plant another garden together, you and I
So let not a tear fall from your eyes
I promise, my dear son, the time will come for tears, you will see
Save them for the one that will make the rain fall, when they sleep
As you stand watching over them



For my dear son, and the greatest gift of my life.  Daniel, I love you in a place and a time that can only be truly measured in your dreams, as they are boundless.  


Daddy

Everyday is a day of GRATITUDE!

We generally set aside today, Thanksgiving Day, as a day of gratitude for all the things we are blessed with in our lives.  Yet, we all know that truly everyday is a day of gratitude, a day of thanksgiving, a day to reflect on our family, our health, our children, our shelter...everything, even the small things, that we sometimes take for granted.


With the recent economic decline, some of us have had a tough year or couple of years. Many people have lost their homes, their way of life, many...if not all..of their possessions, yet the persevere, because they know they have so many other blessings in their life in which to be thankful.  And if you are a parent, you know that there are times when the road of life may get a little bumpy...and full of twists and turns, but you know you can never give up, because there is someone depending on you, looking at you, inspired by you, and learning from you.  You know that when you look at your children, no matter how dark the day may seem around you, there is a light...a brighter day, radiating from their presence in your life.  Making you smile when perhaps there wasn't a lot to smile about that day...making an otherwise dreary, depressing day....an amazing, incredibly wonderful day, because they reminded you of what was most important in your life.


I am thankful for being Daniel's dad.  Nothing in my life gives me as much joy, and I am thankful to God.  No matter where I go, or what I accomplish in life, it will always pale in comparison to the fact that I am a father...his father.  So I will always have plenty to be thankful for, more than I could ever repay.  Being a dad is my greatest title, and one that I will spend every day of my life continuing to earn, as every day is a new opportunity to be the BEST DADDY EVER.


Dads, take some time out today, and reflect on the relationship you have with your child, and what that relationship means to you.  Make a commitment to be a better daddy every day of your life.  Treat every day you have with them, every moment you spend with them....with the gratitude that such a blessing requires.  The feeling you get is indescribable, and it gets better and better every day.  Earn the title...BEST DADDY EVER everyday of your life.  Its a title that no one can bestow upon you, or take away from you...you earn with your dedication to your child or children, your commitment to them, your selflessness, and by being a consistent figure and positive force in their life.  


Be the BEST DADDY EVER...everyday.

A Strong Foundation...this one is mine. My foundation has a name...

In one of my other blogs, I wrote about the importance of a strong foundation...you can see it here.  I talked about how the Great Pyramid of Giza in Egypt--built over 4500 years ago and still, of course, standing to this very day--was so meticulously crafted out of millions of stones, some weighing 80 tons, and how the Egyptians workers toiled for nearly 20 years to build it.  I spoke about how incredible a feat it was to build such a structure as the Great Pyramid, especially when one considers the tools in which the ancient Egyptians had at their disposal, the amount of attention to every possible detail of its construction, the brutal labor of tens of thousands of workers, and how scientists, to this day, are still not completely sure how the Egyptians were able to construct it.

I also shared that had the ancient Egyptians not been so meticulous...so committed...so driven to perfection and overcoming the challenge that was before them, that the great structure that we've all seen on television (and some in person) would not be here today. The pyramid would have been eroded by the sands of time, and its purpose, a tomb for the pharaoh in his journey in the afterlife, would not have been served.  In other words, everything had to be constructed in the manner it was, so that its purpose would be served.  And that purpose had to be of great importance to the builder.  Paramount importance.


My summation, is that the most important question pertaining to the pyramids, or any other great endeavor, or vision, or goal...is not HOW it is done....but WHY it is done.  The HOW something is built pertains to a particular method of its construction...the WHY something is built pertains to its purpose and essentially, its REAL foundation.  The foundation of any building, any business, any structure, any task, any goal...anything that a person or group may create, determines how strong, how longstanding, how resistant that creation is to the elements.  And what are these elements?  Well, they aren't just wind and rain, but elements can also be disappointments, discouragements, difficulty, lack of funding, no help, no college degree, economic recession, or any other thing that threatens to tear down what you are building, or worse yet, keep it from being built in the first place.

Your purpose, your why...IS your foundation.  And the strength of your purpose, your why, your foundation, will speak to the strength, quality and the ultimate success of what you have created.


I went into business for myself in October of 2006.  I wanted to build something...create something for myself, because I no longer wanted to depend on Corporate America to earn a living.  That was my why.  It was a decent foundation....but it wasn't strong enough.  My foundation...my why...my purpose...had flaws.   It was haughty...arrogant...over zealous...based on showing everyone that I didn't need ANYONE.  That I could do everything by myself...with my tongue sticking out at the world.  

And because my why was flimsy..shaky...uneven...porous...when the ground began to shake and the winds of life as entrepreneur blew...my entire building...my creation...began to shake, shift, and crumble to pieces.  I was about to tuck my tail in...hat in hand...and crawl back to where I knew I didn't want to be, back to Corporate America, where they paid on time, every month, and all you had to do was be what they wanted you to be, and do what they told you to do.  Besides, it was good money, and money was very important to me at that time...especially when you didn't have enough clients to pay your bills, and you were used to a certain lifestyle.


I was just about to go back...when something amazing happened...something that changed my life forever.  Something that gave me a new purpose to keep pursuing my vision...my dream...my creation.  Something that gave me a such a foundation, a purpose, a WHY, that I had never previously known.   On October 23, 2007, my purpose, my foundation, my why, my reason for trying to build something, came into this world.


My WHY has a name....Daniel. My purpose is silly and loves chocolate chip cookies.  My foundation loves big trucks and to be chased around the house by his daddy.  My WHY is a gift from God, a gift that allows me to persevere...to continue when things don't go so well.  My WHY doesn't care how much money I make (or don't make), what I drive, or if I know "important" people.  My WHY doesn't judge me...as long as I have a snack in the car when I pick him up from daycare.  My why even created this blog for me...I only have to do the typing.  My why is writing my book for me...growing my coaching business..building my charter school...and my other business endeavors.


Part of becoming and being the BEST DADDY EVER, for me at least, is leaving a legacy for my son.  For him to HAVE something...to OWN something...something with his name on it...so that he can forgo the struggles that his previous generations endured....and so that he may do the same for his child...and so on.  

With this purpose...with this why...with this foundation...I will never give up, I will continue to be meticulous, driven, dedicated, and committed to my creation.  So that the generations that come after me, will look at something that stood the test of time, as we look at those pyramids today, and say..."How did great-great granddaddy Malone do it?"

And it still won't matter how...only WHY.....

To all the BEST DADS EVER out there....stay strong...keep the faith...remain committed...finish what you started....you know why....

A Soldier's Story: Severely outnumbered...a dad bravely goes into battle armed with Dr. Seuss!

Last month, my son had his pre-birthday party at his school.  All of the kids have parties at the school, where the parents bring cake and or cupcakes, or ice-cream, or whatever, to share with their son or daughter's classmates.  This is usually done in addition to whatever party the parents throw for their child that weekend, and it s a good idea just in case everyone from the class wasn't necessarily invited to the other party (more kids...more cost...an issue for many in this economy).


So, a couple of weeks ago, when it was Daniel's turn to party with his classmates, his mom brought cupcakes with gummy worms (always a favorite), and set up the table in the kids cafeteria in preparation for his class' arrival.  When Daniel and his 9 classmates arrived in the cafeteria to this nice surprise, the other kids were buzzing with excitement.  "Daniel, Daniel...you're having a party...its your birthday!!!", one of his classmates exclaimed.  They were all shouting and energized, as they prepared to tear into those cupcakes.  Daniel, who is like the Fonz in Happy Days to his classmates...only 10 times cooler, gave a sly smile with an expression on his face like "yeah, what did you expect...I AM the man you know..."  Just too cool. (I was NEVER that cool when I was little)


So we were all sitting down with Daniel, the other kids, and his teacher, as they munched on cupcakes and plotting on eating someone else's cupcake..... the 3 year-old, inquisitive, pondering, questions began.....fired in succession from every which direction like a BP press conference...."You're Daniel's dad, aren't you?"  "Does Daniel get to go home after this?"  "Are those glasses you're wearing?" "How old are you?"  "You have a green shirt!"  "Is Daniel going to have another party?"  

But my responses were just as rapid and engaging.  I guess I really enjoyed the attention from Daniel's classmates, and I was soaking up every minute of it!  I started asking them questions...what was their favorite food...favorite book...did they REALLY like strawberry gummy worms...what did they learn in school today...what was everyone's name.  I then started pointing out similarities between everyone, like "Heather, you have a blue shirt...who else at the table has a blue shirt?"  One thing you learn from being around a bunch of 3 year-olds, is if you ask one a question, you may have well asked everyone the same question....because they will ALL answer...loudly.  But I enjoyed talking with them so much...they kept asking me more questions...and I LOVE answering questions, so I kept obliging them.  Daniel seem to give the other kids this look like, "you all don't realize what you've started...my dad loves this type of attention."


So after we all ate cupcakes, and it was time to go, Daniel's teacher pulled me to the side and said "You were really good with the kids, you should come back again some day soon."  And you know I jumped at the opportunity.  I said, "Of course, I could read them some stories." "That would be great." Daniel's teacher said.  (If she only knew at the time...what she was unleashing....Dame?  A captive audience...all watching me...PLUS I'm Daniel's dad...which gives me street cred....its ON!)  The chances of me ending up in a straight jacket...or otherwise carted out...were now extremely high.

So I arrive  at Daniel's school yesterday...armed with "One Fish, Two Fish.." and "The Foot Book" by Dr. Seuss in one hand, and "Dewey Does It" and several backup books in the other hand.  I was ready for anything...ready for battle...but as nervous as if I was getting ready to speak in front of 1000 people.  

My mission: To captivate this audience of ten 3 year-old children, while not breaking anything...getting sidetracked into a discussion of quantum mechanics or economics with the kids....embarrassing my son and costing him somewhere between 3 and 5 "cool points"...passing out from the pressure...frightening or otherwise emotionally scarring a 3 year-old...or otherwise not being invited to come back.  

The pressure was on...but I was equal to the task.  


As I walked in Daniel's classroom, he was busy with a complex puzzle of fruits and veggies and didn't notice me...but two of the kids did...and not just any two...but Karma and Brianna...the other two pieces of the Daniel Love Triangle...seriously, its like a soap opera..."two young ladies vying for the attention of  one young man...friends on the surface...but inside....each plotting on the other...who will win the affection of the handsome Daniel??? Who will end up with his purple Ring-Pop???  Only time will tell...stay tuned..for..." Anyway, I'm getting off the subject...I'll save that one for another post.


But anyway, those two girls immediately hollered out..."Daniel, Daniel...your Daddy is HEEEERRRREEE!"  Almost simultaneously, like each one wanted to be the first to let him know.  So, he looks over, with a confused-like smile...like "what..hold up...wait a minute...what is this???....no....no....REALLY???... really..dad..dad....WHAT are you about to do???...do NOT embarrass me in here...please tell me you are bringing me my favorite jacket because I left it....ok...dad...whatever you are here for...just try to remember there are two pretty girls in here that like me...and I'm trying to play it cool..."  (all in one look...we just have that soft of connection...but anyway) The teacher explained to the class that Daniel's dad was going to read some stories to them.  


So to make a long story short...I KILLED!  (In a comedic and entertaining sense of course)  If there is ONE thing Daniel's Daddy can do...that is read a story...but I don't just read the story...we were jumping and running and stomping and raising left foots..and other left foots...for an hour, I had total reign...and I went absolutely bonkers...and so did the kids.  At one point, I looked over to Daniel's teacher who was in the class and she had this look that was like 'Ok, there is something wrong with this man...I never knew he was crazy...how is he not in an institution?"  But that was my moment!  I was going to milk it for everything it was worth.  Plus it was a chance to make my son proud...which it appeared that I did...and to be the cool dad (I always wondered what that felt like)...and I succeeded! Plus I wasn't thrown out!  Good times.


Later after school, when I picked Daniel up, I asked him...."So did you enjoy having daddy come and read to your class?"   "Yes", he said.  "You want daddy to come back and read to you all again, don't you."  "NO!", he replied.  


But I understood.  Its not that I embarrassed him or anything...but he probably just doesn't like sharing the Best Dad EVER! At least, that's the way I interpreted it! lol


Here's to the dad's out there...do it all...go crazy...get silly...but whatever you do...BE THE BEST DAD EVER!


Much love,


Daniel's Dad

Trick...treating...and reflecting

This past Halloween was my son's first trick-or-treat experience...and what an experience it was for him!  He had an absolute blast!  When I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween, he said, "I want to be a dinosaur"...I was a bit nervous, because I didn't know where you could find a dinosaur costume, but luckily, his mother found him one.  Of course when he first tried it on a few days before the big day...his cuteness factor broke the scale.  Here...

And once he had it on, he did NOT want to take it off.  It took quite a bit of explanation to get him to agree that he couldn't wear his costume to bed or to school.  A side note...costumes have sure gotten elaborate over the years...I don't remember wearing anything like this when I was a kid.  In those days, you had a mask, and you were lucky to have a matching plastic-like body outfit with just a picture of the character (spiderman, batman, etc.) on the chest. There were a lot of kids with Frankenstein masks, and superman suits (a bath towel as the cape, of course).


He was so excited running around with his cousins, going door to door, getting candy.  I'm sure he never realized how much he could score with the good stuff, just by going up to a door, holding a bag, and saying "trick or treat".  After about an hour his bag was stuffed, and getting heavy, but that didn't stop Daniel.  He refused to let anyone hold his bag and he continued to lug it from house to house....he was not going to let that bag of goodies out of his sight for one minute!


As we canvassed the entire neighborhood for what seemed like hours, my thoughts, as they often do when watching my son, went back to my own childhood days of trick-or-treating.  It was my first time participating since I was about 9 years old.  I had forgotten how much fun it was for the kids...and the parents...but for totally different reasons.  My son's fun comes from participating, my fun, as it usually does, comes from his having fun. 

My thoughts went to my own dad, and how he must have felt watching me and my brother trick-or-treat back in those days.  As a very conscientious child, my often wondered back then why the grown ups weren't as excited about getting candy as we were, not realizing that their excitement was watching their children do something fun and exciting.  But they were excited...just from living vicariously through us...their happiness experienced and expressed a different way from ours, but no less intense.


Everything seems to come full-circle when you become a dad.  Answers to questions you had as a child...come to you when you are a dad...not only what you were feeling back then, but what your own dad must have been feeling and why.  Its quite interesting to think that one day my son will go trick-or-treating with his own son or daughter...and to consider what his thoughts would be as he watches their excitement.  And its humbling to think that he will reflect on his experiences with his own dad, and better understand how I felt back when he was a kid. 


Knowing that everything that happens now, between me and my son, affects more than just he and I, but also generations to come, strengthens my resolve to be the best dad I can possibly be.  My greatest joy also being my greatest responsibility in life.


I'm glad you had fun Daniel....daddy did too!

Lesson from my son: Take time to appreciate the beauty in everything around you!

After picking my son up from his daycare, there were several stops I had to make, and I wanted to hurry and get those errands done while it was still daylight, and before the weather got bad, as storms were forecast for later in the evening.  As I’m driving from the daycare, stuck in a line of traffic on the way to the grocery store, I look in my review mirror, and I see Daniel looking out the window with his eyes gazing upward.

I ask, “What are you looking at Daniel, the sky?”  “Yes”, he says, “those clouds are white…and those are gray.”  He goes on, “those leaves are red and yellow”, as he pointed to some trees lining the street.   I said, “Yes, Daniel, that means its fall, the leaves turn yellow and brown and red, as the season changes to fall….see, we get less light from the…”  Daniel interrupts, “That’s MY leaf right there, Daddy”, as he points out the window at a particular yellowish-reddish leaf, nestled between some a group of green leaves on one of the trees, “which one is YOUR leaf, Daddy?”

Immediately understanding the significance of this conversation, I paused, looked at the line of trees, and pointed to another yellow leaf on the same tree, “that’s MY leaf right there, Daniel”, I replied, to which he stated, “those leaves are ours, Daddy”.

Now, totally oblivious to the traffic jam, the errands I needed to run…in all of my haste to hurry, rush, avoid the storm, get to the grocery store…hurry while there, get to the mall…hurry while there, hurry, hurry, rush, get there, get to the next place…etc., I paused in appreciation of the beautiful trees and sky all around me, and in gratitude for another wonderful connection I made with my son, and yet another lesson he has taught me.

As we parked at the grocery store, I got Daniel out of the car, and instead of taking my hand as he normally does, and walking toward the store, he stopped, walked 2 feet over to the curb next to the car, where a pile of yellow leaves were lined around it.  He began to laugh and shuffle his feet in the leaves, and had a smile on his face that would melt the polar ice cap.  “Look, Daddy…leaves!”  Again, I forgot all about the store, and what I had to do, and where I had to go.  I walked over to Daniel and began to shuffle my feet in the leaves along with him.  And in that 30-seconds, I remembered, that THIS was life…and not the hustle and rush of my so-called “have-to-dos”.    

The Lesson:

In our daily rush, to get here and there in this world, it is so important to pause and really experience the beauty that is all around you every day…which we often take for granted…because we are so used to it…we’ve seen these things so many times before.  But everything is so new to a young child, and they cannot help but look in awe at the beauty all around them.   They cannot help but pause and experience as much of it as possible.    While I was trying to teach my son about the seasons, and why they exist, the better lesson was, “Yes, those are our leaves…see the colors and how beautiful they are!” and, “Daniel, when you see those leaves…how do they make you feel?”  

Dads…along with the lessons of reading, math, how things work and why…we should be sure to instill within our kids, the deeper lessons of experiencing beauty, loving all of creation, not taking things or people for granted, gratitude, how to understand your feelings, etc.  I believe these lessons, help children exponentially, especially later in life when it comes to dealing with obstacles, leadership, appreciation and gratitude.

Like Father...Like Son

My son's birthday party (3 years old) was this past weekend, and it was an absolute blast!  However, about halfway through the party, while the other kids were screaming for more cake, more pizza, spilling juice, and other various displays of excitement, I noticed my son had grown a bit somber.  He didn't look sad or anything, but he got very quiet and rested his head on the table.  His mother and aunts kept trying to get him to eat some pizza or cake, but he kept saying he didn't want any...not that it stopped them from continuing to offer.


They kept asking him what was wrong and if he was ok, and he just nodded "yes".  Still, they tried to appease him and lighten his seemingly "down" mood...calling his name, smiling, joking, taking pictures...but he still remained somewhat stoic.


I was sitting next to him...cool as a cucumber...because I understood.  Daddy knew.  There was nothing wrong, and nothing to worry about.


My thoughts immediately went back to my 4th birthday party.  I remember it quite vividly.  My twin brother and I had a HUGE party in the backyard of our house back in Prichard, Alabama.  All the kids from the neighborhood were there...my grandfather was making homemade ice cream (with the crank and the dry ice...not the electronic stuff you have these days)...everyone was running and playing and jumping around...except for me.  I spent the majority of that party sitting in a chair with my head on the table...watching the other kids play.


And no...there was nothing wrong.  I can't tell you why I was so quiet and reflective for such a monumental occasion as a 4 year-old's birthday party...also known as...THE BIGGEST JAM OF ALL TIME, but I just had a calmness and stillness that enveloped me, as I watched the other children.  I was totally content and enjoying myself thoroughly...just in my own way.


So I understood, when Daniel got quiet and reflective.  There was nothing wrong...he was just taking it all in.  Daddy understood.  It was a lot to take in all at one time.  All the attention, the hugs, kisses, music, playing, etc.  He told me..."Daddy, I want to go bye, bye."  I said to him..."I understand Daniel...we can go bye, bye, but don't you want to open your gifts first?" I pointed over to the table that had all of his presents...and immediately his demeanor changed as gift after gift were brought to him...and just like that, he was back into HYPE-MODE.


I've found it so important on this journey of fatherhood, to remember how I felt when I was a child...and remembering those feelings as I relate to my son.  In so many ways, I am still that 4 year-old in the backyard observing everyone else....while sitting back and reflecting on everything going on around me.  Now, I know why it happened. 

My son has no idea, but he's teaching me more about myself than I ever knew. 

Daddy

The Greatest Title I'll Ever Have

Today is my son's 3rd birthday, and as I reflect on how the last three years have changed my life so much, an awesome feeling a gratitude envelopes me.  Being a father is by far the most important thing in my life, and that's so different from just a few years ago.  Five years ago it was my career and my material possessions that held court over my mind most of the time.  My goal was to move up the corporate ladder, with more responsibility...more power...more authority.  I wanted all those long hours in undergrad and graduate school to be justified by my status in Corporate America and in my paycheck.  My sense of who I was as a person, was tied primarily to my career, along with my internal value.  I was important because I had a title next to my name that someone gave me and was on my business card.   That seems so long ago now.


These days the only title I care about is the one that will never show up on a business card, and the one that no one else has control over...my title these days is "Dame Malone -- Daniel's Dad", and its the highest, most influential, most powerful, most enlightening and most responsible title I've ever or could ever have.  The only title that means anything to me, because it best describes who I am.


And you can't beat the pay that comes with that title.  When he smiles....when we laugh, play, sing, sleep, read together...my compensation is beyond what I could have ever imagined.  And I just want my title, "Daniel's Dad" to be justified by my actions as a father...his father...every day, going forward, instead of who I was, what I did, and how hard I worked before.

Yes, he's going to have a party with all of his friends, and schoolmates, and with plenty of cake, and pizza, and birthday hats, and he'll get plenty of gifts and will be in a total frenzy of laughter and playing.  But one of his greatest gifts, is one that he won't be able to fully recognize at 3 years-old...not when he's 13, or even 23...but when he is 30 years old and probably has his own son or daughter that's celebrating their 3rd birthday...he'll then recognize more fully...how important his father was in his life, and we'll look each other eye to eye, and he'll also more fully understand how important he was, has been and always will be to me.


Happy Birthday my dear son.  I love you more than words can describe, and I just want you to be proud to be my son every day of your life, as that is the greatest gift a Dad could ever receive on this earth, and one that I will spend my entire life...earning. 

Daddy Tips: Don't just READ the story....BE the story!

I noticed that I can keep Daniel's attention on any story from any book, especially new one's, if I make sure I do a few things, perhaps you may find some of these helpful:


1. Read every children's book to yourself first before introducing it to your child: 

Doing this allows you to pay special attention to the different characters, their roles in the story, and their behavior.  This helps me to use different vocal tones and voices for each character in each situation.  For example, in one of my son's books, Dewey Does It, one of the characters is a turtle, Marty.  Now, as adults, when we think of turtles, we think of a slow, methodical, wise animal.  So when I'm reading this story to Daniel, when I get to Marty's part, I will speak in a SLOOOW, draw-out tone...something like Snuffy from Sesame Street, but not quite as boring and sleepy.  By taking some time to read the story first, and knowing the gist of the story and a feel for the characters, I'm better able to do the next thing....


2.  Let your voice BE each character:  

Use what you learned from reading the story first to deliver the proper vocal inflections based on the story.  I'm not saying you have to even use a different voice for each character, but if the story is going through a sad part...then use a sad voice....if people are playing...then have a more upbeat energetic tone...if someone is doing something mean...then speak in a tone that helps your child understand that something "not good or not nice" is happening here.  It really get's them riveted into the story and they learn so much more about what is happening.  

Babies and young children learn primarily from their senses (touch, taste, hearing, sight, smell), and this is what they use to understand the world while they are developing their ability to understand theirs and others' emotions and behavior, and apply them to situations.  I've found my son's hearing sense to be very strong in regards to his learning and development. So I use that fact when reading stories to him, by really exaggerating my voice throughout the story, based on what's happening, who's talking, and what they are doing.  Part of this is for me, because it makes the story so much more fun when I read it, especially if its the 347th time I've done so.


3.  Let them see how excited you are to read to them!  

I can't emphasize this enough, your child's interest in ANYTHING will be at least partially based on their perception of YOUR interest in it.  Show them that you are EXCITED about reading to them, and this is a FUN thing to do.  If you show excitement, they will do the same, and equate reading to FUN...and you know how much they like stuff that's fun!

4.  Stimulate multiple senses:  

While reading the story, try to make eye contact with your child when you get to certain areas in the story where facial expressions can bring them a more complete understanding of what emotions are being felt.  Happy and exciting parts= Happy and excited face.  Sad parts = Sad face.  Parts where a character is confused, or doesn't know = Use your confused face.  That way you are stimulating more of their visual in a 3-dimensional way, versus just them looking at a 2-dimensional page in the book. 


Use your whole body.   When something is BIG...show them BIG by perhaps stretching out your arms, and adjusting your vocal tone.  When something is small, make tinier movements with your fingers and speak a bit softer.  Guide their hand to something on the page that is small or big or high or low...and follow up with corresponding movements of your hands, feet, arms, legs, etc.  This is sooo much fun and really makes a difference.  We all learn better (and faster) when we have multiple senses stimulated at the same time.


Whatever way you do it...the most important thing is that you are READING to you child.  Their development in school and their ability to retain information, process it, and make decisions for themselves comes back to this!  So Dad's read to your son or daughter as often as you can.  Even if you and your child are not in the same place, you can still read to them over the phone. Where there is a will there is a way!

The Daddy Chronicles: Lesson #1,452

Do not allow your 3 year old son to hold the 20 oz bottle of Sprite while you two are in the store. No matter how many times he tells you "I got it Daddy...I'll hold it". Just know that it WILL get opened, he WILL take it straight to the head, and it WILL be spilled all over the floor in the store. 

Lesson #1,453:  When #1,452 happens, quickly leave the scene of the crime before before detected.

Every situation is a learning opportunity for your son. And for you.

A little over a year ago my son, Daniel, and I were about to board a plane to Birmingham, Alabama.  He had flown once before with his mother, but this was his first time with daddy, so I was somewhat nervous, and he was nothing close to it.  As we sat in our seats, I thought this to be a good opportunity to teach him some things about airplanes.  Even though he was only 2 years-old at the time, that never stopped me from talking about some really complex stuff...only breaking it down so that he could understand.


I like to explain the WHY to just about everything.  I remember always wanting to know why something was the way it was, or why something had to be done, or why was this right there instead of over here...etc.  I found the answer "just because" quite unfulfilling to say the least...I actually hated when someone said "just because".  There HAD to be a reason.  One of the many, many fun things about being a Dad is that you get to do it YOUR WAY NOW!  All that stuff I hated as a child...I don't have to do with MY son.  And in a way, any frustration I felt as a child goes away when I can teach my son certain things that I wanted to know...and never say...."just because".


So on the plane, I started explaining why we had to wear our safety belts...which was pretty easy because he spends his time in a car seat 100% of the time while in the car.  I explained that the airplane would go into the sky...but I wanted him to know why this happened.  I pondered for a minute on how to explain it so his little mind could grasp the concept.  I view such things as a worthy challenge...just the way I am.   I then explained to Daniel how the plane would go really, really fast and it was like feeling the wind against his face when he was running really fast.  "Do you remember feeling the wind in your face when you were running, Daniel?"  "Yes."  "Well, its kind of like that, but the airplane goes, really, really, really, really, really, (insert about 10 more reallys) fast...and there is a lotta, lotta, lotta, lotta wind, and there's sooooo much wind that it pick the airplane up into the air...because that's where the wind comes from."


"It goes up in the sky with the clouds, Daddy!"  "Yes, son...", I said.

"Cause the AIR!" he said.   I couldn't say anything else right then...

Here is another one of those times as a Dad you learn to fight back the tears.   But my son is always one step ahead of me in making them flow.


Here's to the sweetest joy.  Fatherhood.


Keep Dadding!

The Daddy Chronicles: Lesson #1,450 He's sleepy especially when he says he's not.

Driving from the mall the following conversation occurred:

Daddy: "Hey Daniel, you're kind of quiet, son.  Are you sleepy?"


Daniel:  "I'm not sleepy Daddy." (shakes head emphatically)


3 minutes later.....

Lesson:  The degree of your son's sleepiness, is directly proportional to his emphatic denial of said sleepiness. :-)