Daddy Tip: Maintain a calm, reassuring energy with your child in tense situations. They are watching, and they remember.

As a young child, I remember being deathly afraid of dogs.  When I was 5 years old, I was chased by a rather large dog while playing outside in the yard, back in Prichard, Alabama.  Another older boy (around 10 or 11) was walking down the street with a dog (without a leash), and as he and the dog were crossing in front of our yard, I saw the dog look at me.  With a heightened degree of internal fear, instinct took over and I began to run...to the back yard... and of course, the dog took off after me.  I don't recall looking back to see, but somehow I knew it was chasing me.  I ran as fast as my little legs could carry me...toward the back yard...screaming.  I had a pretty hefty head start, and was quite the fast runner back then, but as I reached the back of the house, on my way around the other side, I could hear the dog gaining on me quickly.  


Of all the most frightening experiences in my life, I would put this one in the top five.  I still remember the fear, as if though it happened yesterday.  Still running and screaming, I managed to make it to the other side of the house toward the front porch...the dog at my heels now.  But right then, as I ran past the porch, here comes my father outside of the house (obviously hearing my screams) with a his rifle.   With not a single word, my dad, pointed the rifle at the dog, and the dog immediately broke off his pursuit of me and it took off in total fear down the street.  Crisis averted.  Of course, the boy that was with the dog was nowhere to be seen.  Probably wasn't his dog anyway...as there were a ton of stray dogs in Prichard back in those days.


In a matter of seconds, an intense feeling of fear and terror, transitioned to a absolute sense of security and safety.  It was a feeling like no other...that your dad would be there to protect you when you were afraid, or in trouble.  I was never more happy to see him, and looking back, I'm glad he didn't shoot the dog, who was probably just playing a game a chase, after I ran, and had no intention of biting me.  But, I also think that particular incident instilled within me, a strong fear of dogs that lasted well into adulthood.  I think I began to associate dogs with being chased and bitten, and if my father wasn't around, then I would have most certainly been attacked and eaten by a vicious canine (the mind of a child is highly imaginative).  


My parents divorced when my brother and I were 9 years-old, and we moved to Birmingham with our mother.  My father was no longer around all the time, so my ability to feel protected from "vicious dogs" while walking home from school was non-existent.  I think this only heightened my fear of dogs, as now my brother  and I, were left without our fatherly "safety net" so to speak.  Our daily walk home from school was wrought with terror and paranoia, as the neighborhood in which we lived was full of stray dogs.  It mattered not, at least to us, whether those dogs were dangerous or not.... in our minds they were dangerous BECAUSE they were dogs, and all dogs wanted to bite you!  I have to tell you, I don't have a lot of good memories about walking home from school back in those days, especially not after the kind of days I would have at school (I talk a little about that here), but at least my brother and I had each other.


Upon adulthood, WELL into adulthood (late 20s), I began to realize that my fear of canines was largely unwarranted and unhealthy.  I no longer feared them like I did when I was a kid, but I still wasn't very comfortable around them (not even 100% to this day).  Of course, dogs sense that...and you know..that they know...that you know you're really uncomfortable around them (at least larger ones) deep down inside, but are playing it off.  Dammit...busted!


Although I very much appreciate what my father did for me way back then when I was seven, I knew I had to approach this situation in a different way as it related to my son.  I HATED being afraid...its such a terrible, uncomfortable feeling, and I didn't want my son to go through that.  I didn't want to instill within him, that dogs in general were dangerous and to be feared, as I knew such a fear would stay with him probably as long as it did with me.  I knew that there would be a situation that arose, in which I would have to be an example, a different example, of how to face these potentially fearful situations.  And such a situation arose recently.


I was outside playing with my son in the park, we were the only one's there, and this young man about 11 or 12 years old, came over with two dogs without leashes.  They were running around the park (one larger dog, one little pooch), and the young man was calling them (unsuccessfully) to come back to him.  The larger dog saw us, and began to approach with a growl.  I don't like growls from dogs or anything else...one bit!  But I knew there was a lesson to be taught here, and I needed to set an example for my son.  So I remained calm, and in a calm voice, asked the young man, "Is this your dog...why isn't he on a leash?"  "I don't have one", he replied.  The dog, seemed to turn his attention away from me and began looking at my son, who was next to me, and growled again and started to approach (VERY DANGEROUS....for the dog).  Remaining calm, but in a stern voice, I said "back up!" to the dog, and it began to retreat...but kept circling us as the young owner kept calling it over to come to him, in futility. 


I knew my energy had to remain calm as long as possible.  If I picked my son up, started yelling and shouting, yes, my son would feel his dad was there to protect him, but it would have also heightened the situation as it was happening, and in my son's mind...identifying this dog...and probably all others from here on out, as something to be feared.  My son looked at me, almost like he was looking for me to let him know HOW he should be feeling right now.  Our eyes met, and in those few seconds, he saw my calmness...he did not see fear.  In his face, I saw the same calmness, the same relaxed energy.  We just both stood hand in hand, and I said, "That little doggie is just silly...come on, let's play, Daniel", and we resumed playing with his truck, as if the dog wasn't there (but you know I was still watching it)


As my son continued to play, I looked at the young man and told him that if he loves and values his dogs' lives, he should have a leash for them, especially in a public place like this, as it is the law.  He eventually got control of his dogs, and what was a "crisis averted" when I was a kid, never had to become one in the first place in that park.   I was glad that I was able to maintain and transmit a calm, reassuring energy to my son, who would have definitely picked up on any demeanor I displayed.  And it would have stuck with him.


I was also glad that my son didn't have to see me pull out my .40 caliber Glock (which his daddy keeps handy at ALL TIMES)...if that growling dog had come ANY closer...like my father pulled out his rifle while I was being chased around my house, thirty years ago. 


Daddy Tip:  Speak softly, and carry a big stick.  Especially when you are with your child.  Maintain a calm and reassuring energy, even in the most tense of situations, and it will follow them throughout their lives.  They are always watching, and they always remember.  Keep Daddying!


(BTW, I respect all animals...and in no way condone unnecessary violence toward them....but in this situation...I WOULD NOT HAVE HESITATED to protect my child....so for the love of your dog...keep them whole and in one piece by keeping them on a leash in public areas.) :-)

Daddy Tips: Don't just READ the story....BE the story!

I noticed that I can keep Daniel's attention on any story from any book, especially new one's, if I make sure I do a few things, perhaps you may find some of these helpful:


1. Read every children's book to yourself first before introducing it to your child: 

Doing this allows you to pay special attention to the different characters, their roles in the story, and their behavior.  This helps me to use different vocal tones and voices for each character in each situation.  For example, in one of my son's books, Dewey Does It, one of the characters is a turtle, Marty.  Now, as adults, when we think of turtles, we think of a slow, methodical, wise animal.  So when I'm reading this story to Daniel, when I get to Marty's part, I will speak in a SLOOOW, draw-out tone...something like Snuffy from Sesame Street, but not quite as boring and sleepy.  By taking some time to read the story first, and knowing the gist of the story and a feel for the characters, I'm better able to do the next thing....


2.  Let your voice BE each character:  

Use what you learned from reading the story first to deliver the proper vocal inflections based on the story.  I'm not saying you have to even use a different voice for each character, but if the story is going through a sad part...then use a sad voice....if people are playing...then have a more upbeat energetic tone...if someone is doing something mean...then speak in a tone that helps your child understand that something "not good or not nice" is happening here.  It really get's them riveted into the story and they learn so much more about what is happening.  

Babies and young children learn primarily from their senses (touch, taste, hearing, sight, smell), and this is what they use to understand the world while they are developing their ability to understand theirs and others' emotions and behavior, and apply them to situations.  I've found my son's hearing sense to be very strong in regards to his learning and development. So I use that fact when reading stories to him, by really exaggerating my voice throughout the story, based on what's happening, who's talking, and what they are doing.  Part of this is for me, because it makes the story so much more fun when I read it, especially if its the 347th time I've done so.


3.  Let them see how excited you are to read to them!  

I can't emphasize this enough, your child's interest in ANYTHING will be at least partially based on their perception of YOUR interest in it.  Show them that you are EXCITED about reading to them, and this is a FUN thing to do.  If you show excitement, they will do the same, and equate reading to FUN...and you know how much they like stuff that's fun!

4.  Stimulate multiple senses:  

While reading the story, try to make eye contact with your child when you get to certain areas in the story where facial expressions can bring them a more complete understanding of what emotions are being felt.  Happy and exciting parts= Happy and excited face.  Sad parts = Sad face.  Parts where a character is confused, or doesn't know = Use your confused face.  That way you are stimulating more of their visual in a 3-dimensional way, versus just them looking at a 2-dimensional page in the book. 


Use your whole body.   When something is BIG...show them BIG by perhaps stretching out your arms, and adjusting your vocal tone.  When something is small, make tinier movements with your fingers and speak a bit softer.  Guide their hand to something on the page that is small or big or high or low...and follow up with corresponding movements of your hands, feet, arms, legs, etc.  This is sooo much fun and really makes a difference.  We all learn better (and faster) when we have multiple senses stimulated at the same time.


Whatever way you do it...the most important thing is that you are READING to you child.  Their development in school and their ability to retain information, process it, and make decisions for themselves comes back to this!  So Dad's read to your son or daughter as often as you can.  Even if you and your child are not in the same place, you can still read to them over the phone. Where there is a will there is a way!

Every situation is a learning opportunity for your son. And for you.

A little over a year ago my son, Daniel, and I were about to board a plane to Birmingham, Alabama.  He had flown once before with his mother, but this was his first time with daddy, so I was somewhat nervous, and he was nothing close to it.  As we sat in our seats, I thought this to be a good opportunity to teach him some things about airplanes.  Even though he was only 2 years-old at the time, that never stopped me from talking about some really complex stuff...only breaking it down so that he could understand.


I like to explain the WHY to just about everything.  I remember always wanting to know why something was the way it was, or why something had to be done, or why was this right there instead of over here...etc.  I found the answer "just because" quite unfulfilling to say the least...I actually hated when someone said "just because".  There HAD to be a reason.  One of the many, many fun things about being a Dad is that you get to do it YOUR WAY NOW!  All that stuff I hated as a child...I don't have to do with MY son.  And in a way, any frustration I felt as a child goes away when I can teach my son certain things that I wanted to know...and never say...."just because".


So on the plane, I started explaining why we had to wear our safety belts...which was pretty easy because he spends his time in a car seat 100% of the time while in the car.  I explained that the airplane would go into the sky...but I wanted him to know why this happened.  I pondered for a minute on how to explain it so his little mind could grasp the concept.  I view such things as a worthy challenge...just the way I am.   I then explained to Daniel how the plane would go really, really fast and it was like feeling the wind against his face when he was running really fast.  "Do you remember feeling the wind in your face when you were running, Daniel?"  "Yes."  "Well, its kind of like that, but the airplane goes, really, really, really, really, really, (insert about 10 more reallys) fast...and there is a lotta, lotta, lotta, lotta wind, and there's sooooo much wind that it pick the airplane up into the air...because that's where the wind comes from."


"It goes up in the sky with the clouds, Daddy!"  "Yes, son...", I said.

"Cause the AIR!" he said.   I couldn't say anything else right then...

Here is another one of those times as a Dad you learn to fight back the tears.   But my son is always one step ahead of me in making them flow.


Here's to the sweetest joy.  Fatherhood.


Keep Dadding!