I realize that corporal punishment, (i.e. spanking, popping, hitting, whooping, etc.) can be quite a controversial topic, indeed. Every parent has their own method of discipline when it comes to their child, and in most cases, a parent's method of disciplining their child is based, in large part, to how they themselves were disciplined while growing up....not to mention the differences in discipline we see based on culture, race, ethnicity, environment, social status, income, education level, etc..
We also know that there are differences in how a child is disciplined, based on whether that child resides in a two-parent or single-parent home, or being raised by someone other than the biological parent. There is also the issue of appropriate discipline in mixed family homes, where there may be a step-father/mother (or boyfriend/girlfriend) in the home with the child...which can sometimes result in disagreements between the biological and non-biological parent, as they may have different philosophies of how to discipline a child. Complicating the matter still, in many two-parent homes, one parent may willingly or unwillingly bear the responsibility for all child discipline within the home.
With the understanding of the different variables involved with child discipline, my goal here, is not to tell others how to best discipline their child. As a parent or guardian, you, obviously have to make the decision that is best for you and your family, based on all of the factors involved, that are specific to your family's situation. However, it is beneficial for any parent or guardian, to put their discipline methods into proper perspective, when considering whether those methods are helpful or harmful to the child in the short or long-run.
As a dad, on my journey to being the best dad I can be, I've also found it helpful to use those different perspectives, when considering my own upbringing as it relates to my discipline and punishment as a child, and ask myself questions about how my upbringing affected the way I deal with my own child. I personally, have learned a great deal from the flashbacks...eh, hem...I mean...from reflecting on the discipline I received from my parents, when I was younger. As a parent, I find it critical to take an open-minded approach, to the reflection of your own childhood, and consider if and how it has molded you and your parenting methods today. When you ask yourself some straight-forward questions, you may come up with some interesting answers...which may lead to some conclusions about yourself, in which you were previously unaware.
As someone who has lived in a two-parent home.... a single parent home (after my parents divorced)....and then having a step-father (after my mom remarried), I (like many others who grew up in a myriad of environments) had my own perspectives on what child-rearing and discipline entailed. Growing up, regardless of the scenario in which I found myself, my mother was always the primary disciplinarian in our home. And when I say "primary disciplinarian", what I should say, is that my mother was judge, jury and executioner of a backside (or any other side within reach), when it came to disciplining my brother and I. Basically, mama didn't take no mess. I'm sure many of you can relate the type of discipline I am alluding to, without me going into too many details (more flashbacks), but our upbringing was common to what you would see growing up in the South, especially in an African-American home.
Growing up, I don't recall ever "talking back" to my mother...and if I did...I'm sure there is a reason why that particular memory is wiped away...as my mother was not shy about assisting in wiping those memories away with whatever was handy (belt, hanger, cord, etc.). My brother and I, were quite well-behaved (really...considering what a lot of the other kids got away with)...as there was no other option available. We dared not "act up" in school, or in church, or anywhere else...at least not to the degree that our mother would be made aware...because once she was aware of any behavioral issue on our part...that was your a**. If I or my brother did get into trouble, there was no such thing as mama sitting either one of us down and giving us a "strong talking to", and only that. There was no such thing in our home as "counseling-only". Any "counseling" was intermittently wrapped inside of the corporal "session" you were receiving at the time, and was more direction than counseling. All questions asked by mama, during these "sessions", were of course, rhetorical....but you had better answer them! It seemed to add a bit of a psychological twist to the punishment. I wouldn't go as far as calling them trick questions...but they certainly weren't easy for a child to answer. Questions like, "why did you get a 'C' on your conduct grade?!", didn't lend itself to an answer that wouldn't make mom angrier than she already was. However, we did learn that..."I don't know" was an absolutely unacceptable answer, that would intensify your punishment exponentially.
Looking back on it, I cannot be more appreciative of how my mother raised us, especially after what she had previously gone through for nine years with of an abusive marriage, and as a single-parent having to raise twin boys in a new city...essentially having to start her life all over at the age of 29. She would always tell us, "I need you to do as I say the very first time I tell you...you could be in danger and don't realize it...but I see it." I owe a tremendous amount of gratitude, to the upbringing we received from our mother, as my brother and I turned out pretty well.
However, (and if you know me...you know there is always a "however" in just about everything) now, as a parent myself, reflecting on how I was disciplined as a child, I cannot help but to look at some things that happened in my upbringing, as examples of what I would not do with my own son, but not only because the circumstances in which he is being raised, are so much different from my own upbringing. There are some things I won't do, simply because I know the negative affects....personally....and there are many cycles I needed to break when I became a parent.
We incorporate some particular methods of how we were disciplined, in how we discipline our own children,...while other methods, we choose to discard, as we learned that some of those methods, did more harm than good in the long run. It isn't about blaming anyone, as our parents, in most cases, were just trying to do what they thought was right, as we all are now, and they only knew how to deal with situations requiring disciplining of a child, based on their own experiences growing up.
But, I think that's precisely where we should focus, and ask ourselves a some questions.
If it was "good enough" for me growing up, does that automatically mean that it is appropriate for my child?
If my child is having discipline problems (at home, school, etc.), do I understand the source of those issues?
If you use corporal punishment to discipline your child, do they fully understand WHY they are being punished? Did you understand why, as a child?
As a parent, what negative behavior from your child, is "worthy of a whupping"? Is it virtually the same behavior as when you were a child? How do you deal with those situations differently, now? Why?
If you've received corporal punishment as a child, do you feel that it made you a better person? A better parent?
Is it possible to have a disciplined child without spanking them?
If you have ever struck your child while disciplining them...was the force in which you struck them, based on your level of anger at the time?
Do you feel that excessive corporal punishment can lead to aggressive behavior in a child, later in life? What exactly is "excessive" in your opinion?
Looking back, have you ever used corporal punishment, when other forms of punishment would have yielded the same or better results? Why did you resort to spanking?
I would love to get your take on some of these questions....please feel free to comment below. Thanks.
Dame
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