Crime and Punishment--How do you feel about spanking? (Questions at the end)

I realize that corporal punishment, (i.e. spanking, popping, hitting, whooping, etc.) can be quite a controversial topic, indeed.  Every parent has their own method of discipline when it comes to their child, and in most cases, a parent's method of disciplining their child is based, in large part, to how they themselves were disciplined while growing up....not to mention the differences in discipline we see based on culture, race, ethnicity, environment, social status, income, education level, etc..


We also know that there are differences in how a child is disciplined, based on whether that child resides in a two-parent or single-parent home, or being raised by someone other than the biological parent.  There is also the issue of appropriate discipline in mixed family homes, where there may be a step-father/mother (or boyfriend/girlfriend) in the home with the child...which can sometimes result in disagreements between the biological and non-biological parent, as they may have different philosophies of how to discipline a child.  Complicating the matter still, in many two-parent homes, one parent may willingly or unwillingly bear the responsibility for all child discipline within the home.


With the understanding of the different variables involved with child discipline, my goal here, is not to tell others how to best discipline their child.  As a parent or guardian, you, obviously have to make the decision that is best for you and your family, based on all of the factors involved, that are specific to your family's situation.  However, it is beneficial for any parent or guardian, to put their discipline methods into proper perspective, when considering whether those methods are helpful or harmful to the child in the short or long-run.  

As a dad, on my journey to being the best dad I can be, I've also found it helpful to use those different perspectives, when considering my own upbringing as it relates to my  discipline and punishment as a child, and ask myself questions about how my upbringing affected the way I deal with my own child.  I personally, have learned a great deal from the flashbacks...eh, hem...I mean...from reflecting on the discipline I received from my parents, when I was younger.  As a parent, I find it critical to take an open-minded approach, to the reflection of your own childhood, and consider if and how it has molded you and your parenting methods today.  When you ask yourself some straight-forward questions, you may come up with some interesting answers...which may lead to some conclusions about yourself, in which you were previously unaware.


As someone who has lived in a two-parent home.... a single parent home (after my parents divorced)....and then having a step-father (after my mom remarried), I (like many others who grew up in a myriad of environments) had my own perspectives on what child-rearing and discipline entailed.  Growing up, regardless of the scenario in which I found myself, my mother was always the primary disciplinarian in our home. And when I say "primary disciplinarian", what I should say, is that my mother was judge, jury and  executioner of a backside (or any other side within reach), when it came to disciplining my brother and I.  Basically, mama didn't take no mess.  I'm sure many of you can relate the type of discipline I am alluding to, without me going into too many details (more flashbacks), but our upbringing was common to what you would see growing up in the South, especially in an African-American home.  

Growing up, I don't recall ever "talking back" to my mother...and if I did...I'm sure there is a reason why that particular memory is wiped away...as my mother was not shy about assisting in wiping those memories away with whatever was handy (belt, hanger, cord, etc.).  My brother and I, were quite well-behaved (really...considering what a lot of the other kids got away with)...as there was no other option available.  We dared not "act up" in school, or in church, or anywhere else...at least not to the degree that our mother would be made aware...because once she was aware of any behavioral issue on our part...that was your a**.  If I or my brother did get into trouble, there was no such thing as mama sitting either one of us down and giving us a "strong talking to", and only that.  There was no such thing in our home as "counseling-only". Any "counseling" was intermittently wrapped inside of the corporal "session" you were receiving at the time, and was more direction than counseling.  All questions asked by mama, during these "sessions", were of course, rhetorical....but you had better answer them!  It seemed to add a bit of a psychological twist to the punishment.  I wouldn't go as far as calling them trick questions...but they certainly weren't easy for a child to answer.  Questions like, "why did you get a 'C' on your conduct grade?!", didn't lend itself to an answer that wouldn't make mom angrier than she already was.  However, we did learn that..."I don't know" was an absolutely unacceptable answer, that would intensify your punishment exponentially.


Looking back on it, I cannot be more appreciative of how my mother raised us, especially after what she had previously gone through for nine years with of an abusive marriage, and as a single-parent having to raise twin boys in a new city...essentially having to start her life all over at the age of 29.  She would always tell us, "I need you to do as I say the very first time I tell you...you could be in danger and don't realize it...but I see it."  I owe a tremendous amount of gratitude, to the upbringing we received from our mother, as my brother and I turned out pretty well.


However, (and if you know me...you know there is always a "however" in just about everything) now, as a parent myself, reflecting on how I was disciplined as a child, I cannot help but to look at some things that happened in my upbringing, as examples of what I would not do with my own son, but not only because the circumstances in which he is being raised, are so much different from my own upbringing.  There are some things I won't do, simply because I know the negative affects....personally....and there are many cycles I needed to break when I became a parent.  

We incorporate some particular methods of how we were disciplined, in how we discipline our own children,...while other methods, we choose to discard, as we learned that some of those methods, did more harm than good in the long run.  It isn't about blaming anyone, as our parents, in most cases, were just trying to do what they thought was right, as we all are now, and they only knew how to deal with situations requiring disciplining of a child, based on their own experiences growing up.


But, I think that's precisely where we should focus, and ask ourselves a some questions.

If it was "good enough" for me growing up, does that automatically mean that it is appropriate for my child?  

If my child is having discipline problems (at home, school, etc.), do I understand the source of those issues?  


If you use corporal punishment to discipline your child, do they fully understand WHY they are being punished?  Did you understand why, as a child?


As a parent, what negative behavior from your child,  is "worthy of a whupping"?  Is it virtually the same behavior as when you were a child?  How do you deal with those situations differently, now?  Why?


If you've received corporal punishment as a child, do you feel that it made you a better person?  A better parent?  

Is it possible to have a disciplined child without spanking them?


If you have ever struck your child while disciplining them...was the force in which you struck them, based on your level of anger at the time?

Do you feel that excessive corporal punishment can lead to aggressive behavior in a child, later in life? What exactly is "excessive" in your opinion?


Looking back, have you ever used corporal punishment, when other forms of punishment would have yielded the same or better results?  Why did you resort to spanking?


I would love to get your take on some of these questions....please feel free to comment below.  Thanks.


Dame

Daddy Tip: Maintain a calm, reassuring energy with your child in tense situations. They are watching, and they remember.

As a young child, I remember being deathly afraid of dogs.  When I was 5 years old, I was chased by a rather large dog while playing outside in the yard, back in Prichard, Alabama.  Another older boy (around 10 or 11) was walking down the street with a dog (without a leash), and as he and the dog were crossing in front of our yard, I saw the dog look at me.  With a heightened degree of internal fear, instinct took over and I began to run...to the back yard... and of course, the dog took off after me.  I don't recall looking back to see, but somehow I knew it was chasing me.  I ran as fast as my little legs could carry me...toward the back yard...screaming.  I had a pretty hefty head start, and was quite the fast runner back then, but as I reached the back of the house, on my way around the other side, I could hear the dog gaining on me quickly.  


Of all the most frightening experiences in my life, I would put this one in the top five.  I still remember the fear, as if though it happened yesterday.  Still running and screaming, I managed to make it to the other side of the house toward the front porch...the dog at my heels now.  But right then, as I ran past the porch, here comes my father outside of the house (obviously hearing my screams) with a his rifle.   With not a single word, my dad, pointed the rifle at the dog, and the dog immediately broke off his pursuit of me and it took off in total fear down the street.  Crisis averted.  Of course, the boy that was with the dog was nowhere to be seen.  Probably wasn't his dog anyway...as there were a ton of stray dogs in Prichard back in those days.


In a matter of seconds, an intense feeling of fear and terror, transitioned to a absolute sense of security and safety.  It was a feeling like no other...that your dad would be there to protect you when you were afraid, or in trouble.  I was never more happy to see him, and looking back, I'm glad he didn't shoot the dog, who was probably just playing a game a chase, after I ran, and had no intention of biting me.  But, I also think that particular incident instilled within me, a strong fear of dogs that lasted well into adulthood.  I think I began to associate dogs with being chased and bitten, and if my father wasn't around, then I would have most certainly been attacked and eaten by a vicious canine (the mind of a child is highly imaginative).  


My parents divorced when my brother and I were 9 years-old, and we moved to Birmingham with our mother.  My father was no longer around all the time, so my ability to feel protected from "vicious dogs" while walking home from school was non-existent.  I think this only heightened my fear of dogs, as now my brother  and I, were left without our fatherly "safety net" so to speak.  Our daily walk home from school was wrought with terror and paranoia, as the neighborhood in which we lived was full of stray dogs.  It mattered not, at least to us, whether those dogs were dangerous or not.... in our minds they were dangerous BECAUSE they were dogs, and all dogs wanted to bite you!  I have to tell you, I don't have a lot of good memories about walking home from school back in those days, especially not after the kind of days I would have at school (I talk a little about that here), but at least my brother and I had each other.


Upon adulthood, WELL into adulthood (late 20s), I began to realize that my fear of canines was largely unwarranted and unhealthy.  I no longer feared them like I did when I was a kid, but I still wasn't very comfortable around them (not even 100% to this day).  Of course, dogs sense that...and you know..that they know...that you know you're really uncomfortable around them (at least larger ones) deep down inside, but are playing it off.  Dammit...busted!


Although I very much appreciate what my father did for me way back then when I was seven, I knew I had to approach this situation in a different way as it related to my son.  I HATED being afraid...its such a terrible, uncomfortable feeling, and I didn't want my son to go through that.  I didn't want to instill within him, that dogs in general were dangerous and to be feared, as I knew such a fear would stay with him probably as long as it did with me.  I knew that there would be a situation that arose, in which I would have to be an example, a different example, of how to face these potentially fearful situations.  And such a situation arose recently.


I was outside playing with my son in the park, we were the only one's there, and this young man about 11 or 12 years old, came over with two dogs without leashes.  They were running around the park (one larger dog, one little pooch), and the young man was calling them (unsuccessfully) to come back to him.  The larger dog saw us, and began to approach with a growl.  I don't like growls from dogs or anything else...one bit!  But I knew there was a lesson to be taught here, and I needed to set an example for my son.  So I remained calm, and in a calm voice, asked the young man, "Is this your dog...why isn't he on a leash?"  "I don't have one", he replied.  The dog, seemed to turn his attention away from me and began looking at my son, who was next to me, and growled again and started to approach (VERY DANGEROUS....for the dog).  Remaining calm, but in a stern voice, I said "back up!" to the dog, and it began to retreat...but kept circling us as the young owner kept calling it over to come to him, in futility. 


I knew my energy had to remain calm as long as possible.  If I picked my son up, started yelling and shouting, yes, my son would feel his dad was there to protect him, but it would have also heightened the situation as it was happening, and in my son's mind...identifying this dog...and probably all others from here on out, as something to be feared.  My son looked at me, almost like he was looking for me to let him know HOW he should be feeling right now.  Our eyes met, and in those few seconds, he saw my calmness...he did not see fear.  In his face, I saw the same calmness, the same relaxed energy.  We just both stood hand in hand, and I said, "That little doggie is just silly...come on, let's play, Daniel", and we resumed playing with his truck, as if the dog wasn't there (but you know I was still watching it)


As my son continued to play, I looked at the young man and told him that if he loves and values his dogs' lives, he should have a leash for them, especially in a public place like this, as it is the law.  He eventually got control of his dogs, and what was a "crisis averted" when I was a kid, never had to become one in the first place in that park.   I was glad that I was able to maintain and transmit a calm, reassuring energy to my son, who would have definitely picked up on any demeanor I displayed.  And it would have stuck with him.


I was also glad that my son didn't have to see me pull out my .40 caliber Glock (which his daddy keeps handy at ALL TIMES)...if that growling dog had come ANY closer...like my father pulled out his rifle while I was being chased around my house, thirty years ago. 


Daddy Tip:  Speak softly, and carry a big stick.  Especially when you are with your child.  Maintain a calm and reassuring energy, even in the most tense of situations, and it will follow them throughout their lives.  They are always watching, and they always remember.  Keep Daddying!


(BTW, I respect all animals...and in no way condone unnecessary violence toward them....but in this situation...I WOULD NOT HAVE HESITATED to protect my child....so for the love of your dog...keep them whole and in one piece by keeping them on a leash in public areas.) :-)